As most of you probably know, I am now, and have always been, a very positive person. I make it a habit to focus on the “good” in every situation. Sometimes it is not so easy to find that “good” and at other times it is effortless. I also make a point of not judging people…myself included. Lately this has been quite difficult for me. I have been struggling with my emotions a lot over the past year and then I judge myself…quite harshly at times. This makes me angry…at myself…and that just makes a vicious cycle even more vicious. This is counterproductive for the usually joyous life I live.
I am one who spends a fair amount of time of learning to be the best, healthiest and happiest person I can be. I read a lot of “self-help” books. I take on-line courses. I go to conferences and workshops. I journal every day and every night. I do all these things because it does, indeed, make me a better, smarter, healthier and more joyful person. I LOVE learning! I love knowing that I am doing things that not only help me, but affect the lives of those who are important to me. I do not like negativity. I have removed the negative people from my circle of friends. It was not easy to do that, as I do not like hurting people.
Lately I have had a hard time getting my emotions under control. Usually I find it very easy to share in other people’s accomplishments and happiness. I love to let them know how happy I am for them. I seriously doubt that most people have a hard time sharing in someone’s joy. I find myself in an uncomfortable situation right now. I am watching someone who was very important to me for many years find their joy and it should be really easy to share in the happiness and successes being achieved. Unfortunately this is not the case. Those success comes as a result of a situation that has cost someone I love very much to experience the opposite end of the spectrum. That person has lost so much and is struggling to keep afloat and although that person is doing a remarkable job, I fear that the “costs”… the emotional, financial and physical, will take their toll.
How does one revel in the happiness of one person while watching it hurt another? I REALLY hate that I cannot just celebrate the successes and joys of everyone, regardless of how they affect others. I know that things happen for a reason and that everything will probably turn out okay for all involved, but right now it is difficult for me to find the “good” in this whole situation.
When I react in negative ways, when I can’t keep my negative emotions under control, I get mad at myself. I think, “Just be happy for the wonderful things that are happening for that person.” I also think, “What an unkind person you are, Ellen, to not be happy for someone else’s success.” I start judging myself and finding myself lacking in human kindness. Yet I know I am a kind person. I care very deeply about people. I try to add joy to the lives of those in my circle of family and friends.
I ask myself some questions that I cannot answer. One of them is why do the painful emotions seem to always outweigh the happy ones? Why is it sometimes so hard to find the positives in a situation? Why are we so hard on ourselves for being human and sometimes resenting the things that are hard for us or our loved ones and easy for others?
I want to focus on the joys in life. I usually do that with great ease. The fact that I cannot do this now makes me very sad. I find that making what I feel are poor decisions on how to react to certain situations is affecting areas of my life that I do not want to be affected. I must find a way to control the negative emotions and let go of the judgements…both of myself and others.
So, today, I have set some new intentions for myself. I will live my life, knowing that there will be great joy and abundance for myself and for those I love. I will look on the successes of everyone as wonderful and special. I will continue to live a life that adds joy to the lives of myself and others. I will not judge myself harshly for having human emotions that are sometimes difficult to control. I will be supportive of everyone in my life. I will be supportive of ME as well. I will not worry or stress about things that are out of my control. I have so much to learn and so much to give and I shall continue to grow and learn and pass on the knowledge and the joy that I find in this wonderful world. I will let the people I care about know how much they mean to me.
This is how I want and need to live my life. How will you live yours?